Fresh Start?

I guess it's been a few years since I last posted anything with this blog account. Well, the first post I saw when I log in was me scolding someone. Ok can. Typical bitchy me. Hahah.

Anyway, thought of re-opening my blog because I need another platform that is more private compared to Twitter or Facebook(which I hardly use nowadays) to express some of the feelings I've been keeping in my heart all this while.

So I made it to pjc, I wanted to go there because it's nearer and that the teachers are more willing to help you compared to other jcs which I totally agree, now that I've been there for more than 6 months. I thought that going there would mean a fresh start for me, no more drama, find friends whom I can count of no matter what, a place where I can study hard. Naive of me to actually think that God would be so nice to me. I thought secondary school wasn't that amazing considering I had a pretty rough and childish start. I've got to say jc is so much worse than what I experienced in secondary school. I became a class manager which I least expected myself to be. I thought "Nah, me becoming a cm, impossible one la, I cannot even be a prefect, are you kidding me?", well, so it didn't happen. I know I was totally bitching about it to EngLoon and Sara or everyone I knew EVERY SINGLE TIME. Hahah. Still, I'm trying to think of it as a way to train me to be a more daring person and most importantly, a leader. I admit that I've actually slowly overcoming my fear of presenting and right now I still get the butterflies in my stomach feeling but it's slowly fading away. I guess being a cm has it's good point in a way?

Then again, there's alot of rubbish need to be done. Okay, not exactly rubbish but there's just lot of events or so and I'm always required. Sigh. Regarding my classmates, when you slowly know some of them, they are actually nice people and there are also people whom you thought genuinely treating you as a friend going behind your back criticizing. I know the incident of the birthday probably let the guys think that I'm an irresponsible and useless cm. Broke down at that point of time because I saw how blunt the guys were and me being useless and weak as usual. Actually, it's over and I shouldnt dwell on it further. Argh I seriously hate myself for being so sensitive all the time. When can I grow up and start being strong!

So now I'm pretty much be hated some in the class, maybe even more, who knows? I try to pretend it does not hurt me and I'm showing indifference to them but deep inside I swear it hurts. Who likes to be hated anyway? I tried to put it as much as effort I can for the class. I knew that it's way out of league and I'm willing to take up the challenge. Apparently, it's either misunderstood or just plainly ignored. What can I do? Sighhh. In many occasions, I nearly broke down in school or maybe I did because I felt empty. Yes, I won't say I have a lot/ very few friends but it's just that I do feel empty despite the people around coming around. How do I make it go away?

Guess I should just quit my job and concentrate on my school work which I would say I'm struggling in a way. It's a more competitive environment now and those stress I feel all the time is wearing me thin. I won't want my grades to suffer since the reason I came to JC is to do well and go for Uni.

Think I should end here. I don't have the stamina to type very long posts like before. I'll post some pictures next time round. Hahaha.
Till the next time.