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"It has scattered into bits and pieces. What happened to those promises about each others pillars of support? Ultimately it's just lies and more lies. We claim that it is someone else's fault but we never look at ourselves once, thinking are we even in the position to criticize. What has the world become and what have we become. "

So true yet it is something we can't fix it. I guess everything we care for will change, just like how the contexts change rapidly. 

I don't want changes yet they are inevitable. Adapting to changes is the only option I have yet its easier said than done. Why do I feel like give up? What kept me going on wasn't there anymore but I can't even be sure what kept me going on in the first place. 

Why? How? When? 

V

What have I become?

It has been a tough day.

(I'm writing based on my experience)

Seeing both of their faces, it totally reminded me how I was being rejected because my skills are not good enough for them. They always tell us hard work and attitude are important. Clearly, they are just lying to us and ultimately both are just bullshit since talent and skills outweigh them. 

It's the same thing for them I think. Yet, the amount of effort put in is never equivalent to the results we get. Not that those who got in dont deserve if but what if those who really deserve it got in because they are between than you? You know how it feels? The disappointment coming from those who told you that you had a chance, the disappointment in yourself for not being good enough etc etc. It hurts so badly but nobody understands. 

What has cca become nowadays? Isn't it suppose to be something you do after school hours, where you can enjoy participating in the activities rather than focus on winning competitions for the reputation? 

Maybe I'm contradicting myself but it is exactly how I feel? Somehow cca has lost it's purpose already. 

Another issue I think I really need to reflect on is my attitude. I thought being indifference would be better for me so that I can be less sensitive, less likely to be hurt from anything. Yet, I became someone who's easily angry, constantly whining and complaining about all sorts of things, even though it clearly was my fault? What have I become? 

I was honestly angry at him for forgetting our consultation tmr but as the anger subsided, I realize, why am I so angry? I don't usually get angry at such stuffs? Even if I'm angry, I couldn't be that angry? Why? As what my friends told me, maybe it's because of the stress bee since J2 started. I can't help but to agree, though I still feel that there are other factors contributing to my unusual self I supposed. 

One thing's for sure, I'm no longer the same person as 1.5 years ago. I'm never a worthy person in this 18 years. 

One day I might find my use in life but that's 'one day'. It may or may not come. 

We shall see.

V

How about some facts about me?

Here's a couple of facts that you may or may not know about me:

1) My name is Vivian Tan Jia Yi (陈嘉仪)

2) I used to hate my name.

3) I've always wished my name was called Jolene/Jolin when I was young because pretty girls have these names.

4) I used to imagine myself getting abducted by alien (always naked for no reason -.-).

5) I was kind of a bully when I was young.

6) I was a bubbly child.

7) I'm also a cry baby at the same time. A  couple of pictures clearly shows that I like to cry and take pictures at the same time. :/

8) I deleted all my Chinese songs when I was p3 because I thought cool kids don't listen to Chinese songs. 

9) I listen to a pretty wide genre of music, though I prefer alternative/rock/oldies. (Mainstream not my thing)

10) I'm a fan of Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Simple Plan

11) If someone sang one of their songs to me, I might like you. 

12) I have a huge nose.

13) I got a tortoise plushie which I had it for >5 years called guigui.

14) I have a huge crush on Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer and Bill Skarsgard.

15) I prefer older guys.

16) I also have a crush on Behati Prinsloo and Barbara Palvin.

17) I like my high cheekbones. (I think) 

18) I used to come up with imaginary sisters with names like ( Jolene Tan Wan Yi etc combos)

19) People say I look like pervert but honestly I think don't. 

20) I hope I can find the the love my life but I'm skeptical about it because this person may not not exist. 

21) I got a huge foot. Size 9 hello? 

22) I used to bite my nails ALOT.

23) I have a love-hate relationship with basketball (mostly hate)

24) I love to pretend to be a 格格 (Chinese princess) when I was young.

25) I love doing somersaults on the sofa.

DAMN, had a post before this but my phone decided to die so I wrote this post instead. Hopefully it's interesting. 

V