What have I become?

It has been a tough day.

(I'm writing based on my experience)

Seeing both of their faces, it totally reminded me how I was being rejected because my skills are not good enough for them. They always tell us hard work and attitude are important. Clearly, they are just lying to us and ultimately both are just bullshit since talent and skills outweigh them. 

It's the same thing for them I think. Yet, the amount of effort put in is never equivalent to the results we get. Not that those who got in dont deserve if but what if those who really deserve it got in because they are between than you? You know how it feels? The disappointment coming from those who told you that you had a chance, the disappointment in yourself for not being good enough etc etc. It hurts so badly but nobody understands. 

What has cca become nowadays? Isn't it suppose to be something you do after school hours, where you can enjoy participating in the activities rather than focus on winning competitions for the reputation? 

Maybe I'm contradicting myself but it is exactly how I feel? Somehow cca has lost it's purpose already. 

Another issue I think I really need to reflect on is my attitude. I thought being indifference would be better for me so that I can be less sensitive, less likely to be hurt from anything. Yet, I became someone who's easily angry, constantly whining and complaining about all sorts of things, even though it clearly was my fault? What have I become? 

I was honestly angry at him for forgetting our consultation tmr but as the anger subsided, I realize, why am I so angry? I don't usually get angry at such stuffs? Even if I'm angry, I couldn't be that angry? Why? As what my friends told me, maybe it's because of the stress bee since J2 started. I can't help but to agree, though I still feel that there are other factors contributing to my unusual self I supposed. 

One thing's for sure, I'm no longer the same person as 1.5 years ago. I'm never a worthy person in this 18 years. 

One day I might find my use in life but that's 'one day'. It may or may not come. 

We shall see.

V