Thankful,

It's 31 Dec 2012 already. Time passes really quickly this year. In a blink of an eye, it's the last day of the year already. Wow. This post is meant to thank a bunch of friends who stood by me this whole year, regardless if we are in the same school now or before, Im glad to be friends with you guys. Truly thankful.

Let me start with my current classmates,

This flowers are really a bunch of awesome friends. We are always able to talk all sorts of rubbish on our very own whatsapp group. It's funny how we can talk about almost everything including intimate stuffs which hahah, not convenient to share here. They are always there when I needed help in school. What more can I ask from such an amazing bunch of friends? We do silly things together, we cheer for on another esp during pe lessons, hahaha, we are there to share and listen to each other's problems, I'm really really thankful to make such good friends in just a year. Really, they are practically my everything. *inserts millions of hugs and kisses* Thanks flowers!

Next up, my awesome secondary school friends!

Here's a picture of how I was being held captive by this 3 girls. Hahaha. Firstly, MAMA GOH! Hey auntie, I'm really happy that we can become such great friends especially this year, which is the turning point for our friendship. I dont know why in the past we couldnt click that well, but now that we are in the same school, i realize that we are closer and count on each other more often. We shared with each other our secrets, gossip about "omg that girl very pretty leh" etc etc. Actually, as time goes by, i realise we are quite similar in a way hahah! Next, Lim Kopi Yanqi! I know that now that we are not in the same school, we hardly talk to each other that often compared to secondary school times when you sat beside me. You are always so funny and nice since I met you, sometimes I just cant help it but laugh at you, I've no idea why. You are just the way you are! We need to meet up more often yeah, especially to the gym you need to exercise if not youre gonna complain you are fat when actually you are still stick-thin! Hahahha. Lastly, Jacklyn! Hey hey, i read the letter that you gave me on the bbq! That was really really sweet! You know what, sometimes I find myself relying on you because you are always showering me love through your actions. I know i may be a person difficult to understand, but nonetheless, i do feel like i can be myself and comfortable with you especially. You are a like a big sister that never had, and i hope it will keep it that way! LOVE YA!!!

CHAN MALI CHAN MALI CHAN HOHO! It's your birthday too today! You annoying bitch forever saying that you are younger than me all the time. Argh! Here's that float that you got for me during the exchange of gifts! Yeah, you know me that well uh! Hahahah. You are really a great person to be with even when i first met you! You are always the mature one teaching me all sorts of stuffs on the bus. Now you are the ultimate joker forever quarreling with me! I dont know why but in a way you do make my life more interesting hahha! I thank you for that, i realise you are really really nice to me but you dont show it explicitly hahaa. You have a secret crush on me I KNOW!

Last but not least, my pw group mates!

This awesome bunch of guys really made me like PW more! I realise our friendship actually started to strengthen when we started doing the surveys. You guys are really really nice to me. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve you guys though. Esp during the op period, you guys was like dont worry, try your best, we will help you with your speech along the way. There was once i screwed up my presentation but you guys were like nvm its okay, you can do better the next time, so cheer up! T.T Why you guys so niceeeeee? Im really really thankful to be in the same pw group with you guys. Thanks for making pw so interesting and memorable. <3

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO STOOD BY ME THIS YEAR AND TOLERATING ALL MY RUBBISH. IM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR YOU PEOPLE. XOXO.

Bye 2012, may 2013 be better than you,

2012 is coming to an end very soon but I don't really have the 'omg it's gonna be a new year' kind of feel. It's like this year's Christmas too, don't have the Christmas feel. Sighhh, what is wrong with me?

I should probably do a review about this year I suppose, since I know that I won't be posting anytime soon after this post. Start of the year 2012, when I go up to junior college, I thought, hey maybe I can make new friends who will follow me throughout the rest of my life, like those whom I met in secondary school. Although I've no reason why I was so anti-social during MG period, but I'm glad I met a bunch of friends during OG, whom I can laugh and joke about everything in the process.

Somehow or rather I became the class manager at the start of the year, which was really unexpected because I never expected me to be a leader and I know I'm not the type who can take responsibility that well. That were times when I felt like giving up, thinking that what did I do to earn this. Maybe I've complain to whoever about this but it can never match up to how I really felt. Yes, I'm someone who depends on people around me a lot, this is what gives me security. Being the class manager means I'm the one people is depending on. I don't like the feeling. I feel like if I do wrong at something, I'm bringing the whole class down. Yet, despite my efforts, there are people who don't understand how hard it is. The process was tough but I'm glad I scrape it through this year and hope that next year would be better. Though everything I've said about being the cm earlier is negative, I did realize that I've slowly become braver because I'm not that afraid of speaking in front of the class and that I've learn to stand up more for myself. It's a huge change for me, considering I used to be the one giving in to everyone, even my friends. Though saying all this, I feel that I'm a really fake person. All I know is to complain and complain, maybe some people already feel that I'm so irritating in the process, I don't know. Since 'to err is human, to forgive is divine', forgive me then? No one is perfect, I know, but I believe that everyone should try to be their best, be understanding and caring towards others. I don't know if I've done it but yeah, I hope I can.

Speaking of which, I feel that I've become more hot-tempered this year. I'm more impatient towards people I know. I don't know why but it just suddenly boom, I'm like that. There are times when I feel that I've been very understanding towards a particular person but the person expects me to give in all the time. I don't understand why the person can do the same as me, be more understanding and give in occasionally. Maybe I'm tired of giving in, I've become someone who expects people to give in to me now, I don't know. I'm just in a total mess this year.

Family. I yearn for a happy family. When I come home and I can go hey people! I'm back! With a smile on my face. We all get to go out as a family at least once a week or have dinner together more often. I hope that my parents would be more understanding towards my JC life. It's not that I don't want to go home sometimes, it's just that I'm in school to study or some other activities. There are times I would rather go out slack than go home, I know and I'm guilty of that. The truth is, my family is in such a mess that you can't sense any family bonds between all of us. Sometimes I see my mom in front of the computer managing her fan club, my dad playing games, my sister reading or using her phone while I'm tweeting the way etc. There's not much interaction as compared to the past, when everything seems to be much easier and it's livelier in the house. I also hope that they can be more understanding and be more trusting at times, I'm soon to be 18, and I know what should be done and what should not be done. I go out shopping etc is to interact with my friends and relax a little from school. They feel that friends are a huge influence to me but I think that for them to influence me, I need to be one consenting to it. It's about me making the right decision for myself. Decision that I won't regret. Please believe me that I can do if. I've grown up, I'm no longer that weakling anymore. I must learn the hard way to be strong, I cannot depend on you guys forever. I can do it yeah, just give me a little trust.

I really hope that 2013 will be a better year. I just need to work on my personality more I guess. Don't blame others because you are not always right all the time. Same goes to everyone I guess, be more understanding. Spread the love yeah! May all be well. I also hope that you can last long with her, maybe what happened to us was because of our childishness. Now that we have grown up, we learn to think of ourselves and realize that we are not the right one for each other. Nonetheless, I still hope that all will be well for you. I guess I've never wrote you such stuffs but yeah, may all be well for you too!

Okay! I hope everything will be good for everyone in year 2013 and the years to come. Especially my family, my friends and myself. I really want to live life without regrets.

Love,
Vivian

Working towards my aim!

Hi peeps! Lately, I've been googling about models/diets/exercise at least once every single day. I'm trying to get 48kg! The ideal weight that I want!

I want their legs...

I want her arms and abs...

When can I achieve my aim? OMGOMGOMG. But then again, I always give up like after one day? Hahahah. So the other time I bought loads of veg to make salad for dinner everyday. I did it for one day then the next day, back to the unhealthy diet. FOREVER LIKE THIS *FACEPALM* 

Although I did visit the gym (which was a torture), but I dont think it will bring me closer to the ideal body and weight though. I told myself to go run everyday to lose the fats but until now I only run a little in the gym. Damn! 

NVM I CAN DO IT. I WILL REACH 48 KG AND GET MY TONED ARMS, ABS AND LEGS. JIAYOU VIV!

I even tried greek style yoghurt as snack in order to prevent from eating all the junk food! Apparently, it's disgusting. I always wondered how greek style yoghurt but to my horror, it's damn freaking sourrrrrrrrr. It's just plain yoghurt i guess! 

I can't wait for the day when I can actually feel confident about myself. I mean I dont think I have the looks, nor the brains but I should try to reach for the best eh? okay what am i talking? Hahahah. Okay i need to stop being a glutton and cut down on junk food and carbs! I need to eat healthy!! 

Anyway, I went to the blogshop fleas with jinwen on sun! The queue was disgusting! It's damn freaking long by the time we reached. Oh well, can only blame myself for being late in the first place! I couldnt wake up! Hahahah. We waited for nearly 2hours for our turn and when I finally went in, it wasnt what I expected though? Maybe it's my first time at a blogshop flea so i kind of expected more from it? The clothes were thrown on the table and all of us were just ransacking the pile to find something nice. Trust me, by the looks of it, its a turn off when you see clothes are like this. Nevertheless, I still found a crop tee wheras jinwen got a nice dress and tee!

After which we went to orchard to continue shopping! Hahah we got 2 Aunt Anne's cinnamon sugar pretzels each and it tasted so gooooooood. Oh and i got this rosebud salve lip balm from sephora!

I hope that it's good because I searched online and most people listed it as their holy grail! Hehehe. Oh and we went to FEP to shop for perfumes hehe. I bought my Juicy Couture's Viva La Juicy La Fleur EDT! Heheheh. Jinwen got it too but in EDP! She also got another 2 perfumes from the shop. Hahaah she was having such a hard time thinking if she should buy 3 perfumes at one go but ultimately, she got all three! 

This smells so gooooooooood! And if it's on me, I bet I'll smell goooooooooooooood. Hehehe.

After that we went to cine before we went home! I'm happy that I went out shopping on sun because I need a break! Ive been cooping myself at home lately and basically what I've been doing everyday is just watching shows instead of studying. But nvm I just started studying today! Jiayou to me! Okay I'll probably post my 2013 new year's resolution another time provided im not lazyyyyyy. Hehe. Byeeeeee.

Weird dream,

I sort of woke up in horror around 8 plus this morning, (technically it's yesterday's morning since it is already midnight. lolll.) because of a gory dream. I guess I may have played too much blackshot and most importantly, I think American Horry Story season 2 has tremendous impact on me. The dream is about me inside an asylum which coincidentally the story is about the horrors of an asylum. SPOOKY.

Initially. I wanted to post some gory pictures so that I can relate better as I type this post but I guess people like Engloon will get frighten to death so I guess maybe not. HAHAH. Ok back to my dream... I woke up in the bed of an unfamiliar place but as I look around, I thought it was a hospital so I thought maybe I should go out and find the nurse to ask why am I in a hospital. I got out of my room and walk down this creepy corridor with the lights flickering. I didnt see any counters so I just kept on walking. I thought it was too quiet so I came to a stop and peep through the glass panel a random door, hoping to find someone. I saw this random guy sitting down there and suddenly he turn around to face me. Before I could even react, he suddenly charge towards me for god knows what reason and started banging the door. All of a sudden, there are people walking around the corridor. However, somehow they detected my presence and did the same things but a little bit different from the guy. First, they stared at me for few seconds before they started giving me those evil grins. Then, they pulled out some weapons from their pajamas ranging from knives to chainsaw etc.. (must be the effect of blackshot). I was like "wtf am i gonna die" and started running for my life!!!! They all chased after me thought I managed to kill some of them with my pathetic knife which suddenly popped out in my hand. I started killing like mad and there's like blood literally EVERYWHERE. 

This killing spree lasted all the way until I reached the room I came back. All of sudden I got this ally who popped behind me and started helping me to kill all this crazy people. We just kept killing and killing and after which I actually notice these bunch of people are killing among themselves too haha, they even killed the nurse which somehow magically appeared? What a joke.... So ultimately, we killed all the crazy people and I'm SAFEEEEE like finalllyyyyyy. So i look at myself, with all the blood all over my body along with my pathetic knife which kinda make me freak out so I've no choice but to wake up. HAHAHA. Weird dream right?? 

Ohhohhohoh i also vaguely remember this gory dream I had few weeks ago which I thought of posting the moment I woke up from my sleep. Apparently I didnt because i was tooooooo lazy. Same thing again I was running from random people in a deserted hospital. I came across this room to seek refuge for awhile. It's something like an operating theatre. Somehow I got tired so I lied down on the operating table to rest. The next moment I realise some weird ass doctor is trying to open out my stomach to grab all my organs while I'm still alive with no anesthetic HELLO? My limbs were all tied up so I cant move. Although in the end i somehow got free and use the surgical knife to kill the doctor after he made the first incision on my body. But its weird haha it's like your stomach is open and you still can kill people hahahahah.  

Okay this post is just pure disgusting hopefully you dont vomit! But i got to say, this kind of dreams gives you the adrenaline rush even when you are sleeping. 

Sinful,

Flying to Japan this Sunday and I'm definitely looking forward to it. It's just gonna be a whole new experience for me because I've never gone to Japan before, so hopefully, it will be mind-blowing. I'm trying my best to keep up with blogging but most of the time i'll just be plain lazy to blog or just simply, I've nothing to blog about. 

I would say that life's been really good for me ever since promos ended. I've a group of awesome PW group mates who are willing to sacrifice the time for op practices etc without complaints. Really glad to have them as my group members despite the not-so-awesome impression right from the start but they really proved me wrong. I realise i complain a lot at the start of the year but now, I don't think there's anything negative to complain about. They truly are the best group members I've ever had. May the odds be ever in our favour and hopefully our group, including everyone in our class are able to get an A for PW. I sure hope our efforts are rewarded.

As PW finishes, it means I have to face J2's boring life soon. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I'm up for it. Yes I may have promoted but it doesn't mean anything much to me if I don't continue putting in efforts to my studies. I feel that as I grow older, I tend to procrastinate even more. Gosh, maybe I can keep up with such competitive society that I've came up a way to avoid the whole situation. Sighhh.

I really hope I can get back the bubbly self from secondary school. The responsibilities on me are wearing me thin and I may or may not be on the verge of breaking down. It also caused me more hostile towards people compared to the past when I can easily make friends. Or maybe it's just not meant to be.....

I really need to withdraw from this whole situation before I hurt myself again. Knowing that this would never happen yet I'm still playing with fire again and again. I wonder if there's a remedy that can keep me away or let this whole feelings disappear because I don't want to experience the whole darn thing again. Shall start by avoiding? Yeah I should and I must.... I can't bring myself to be happy, because the next moment something terrible will happen. Haixxxx. Guess the moment of happiness has passed, what's left is the worst of everything.

Wouldn't it be better to live in a world of fantasy where the best can happen on you and not just on something you read?

To my dearest Ng Yan Ting,

(Ms very-old-woman-who's-173cm-tall-freak Ng Yan Ting)

a

This post is specially dedicated for my cutest cutie pie, Ng Yan Ting. Let me first start with our history before I even go on further. So, we were never in the same class except for mother tongue lessons throughout our whole secondary school life. We only got really close when we were secondary 4 and I can vividly recall the only 10 people in HMT class which was kind of separated to into two halves. There's me, you, Siewhui, Yaohong and Jon Yeo, the slackers who always never do homework and the rest being the hardworking ones (who actually do all the HMT homework that chen laoshi assigned us). 

Time passes quickly and we took our O level at the end of year 2011. Subsequently, we took back our results at the start of the year. I can't remember clearly when we started to get really really close. It's just somehow the 4 of us, me, you, Kelvin and Franklin just started to hang out a lot for awhile. Maybe it's the part we went to NUS's open house, where we promised each other to do well and get into NUS's Medicine. Thereafter, I think we whatsapp-ed each other almost everyday (except the fact I'm always lazy to reply messages hahahaha. I do that to everyone not only to you okay!!!) and also meet up occasionally. I don't owe you any cold stone already okay! 

Now let me get on with my main reason for dedicating this post to you. I know that things haven't been exactly that great for you recently. I know that you're on the verge of breaking down of that person. This is the second time I've seen you getting hurt by someone this year. I knew that you were already terribly upset because of the first incident and you took some time, finally getting back on track and forgetting about all those unhappy incidents. Now, something similar happens again, making you feel that way again.

Honestly speaking, I don't like seeing you getting hurt by anyone because I do treat you as a very good friend of mine. Similarly, when I was upset or anything, I can confide to you whatever that happened and you always give me useful comments to help me cool down especially when I'm feeling very very angry at times. Hahaha. 

(Your Voldemort lookalike picture, making you Voldemort's Sister)

I know that trying to comfort you through whatsapp is limited and just superficial because I'm not physically there. Besides, I've not seen you before my promos even started. (I'm looking forward to meet you after my oral presentation ends.) Despite all these, I still want you to know that I'm always here for you if you need me. Whatever you choose, I hope that you make the right decision and don't regret it. Life may be tough but it will get better in time to come. Don't let the person affect you again, you have other friends that are there for you in your school, they trust you too you see and not her so don't ever feel that you're alone or everyone is pretentious. No. There are still people like me, your friends, your family there for you. Don't doubt us or yourself. Please take very good care of yourself, I believe that actions speak louder that words. In time to come, people will understand being sincere and real is definitely better than physical appearance and whatever lies the person said. Love you!! <3

"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.

Even longer,' Pooh answered.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Bucket-loads of bullshit,

Why did I even believe you in the first place? How naive I was thinking that whatever you said was true. I could only blame myself for being so gullible. Sometimes, I feel that you are trying to make everyone's life difficult. I don't know what you're trying to achieve but it really shows how childish you are despite being at this age where you should know how to think for yourself and others. You go around badmouthing people and you thought nobody knows? Well, that's the pitfall yeah, you are going to end being destroy by your own lies and criticism.

Tbh, I was extremely pissed off when I saw that you don't even give the respect that our teacher RIGHTFULLY deserve after putting in tremendous amount of effort on us. Yet, you can be so ungrateful to ask if anyone want to skip the treat he's giving us. You know what, I'm full of disdain and awfully disgusted by you. If you think you are that smart and you don't need the teacher's help, you can jolly well leave and be sure that I'll be the first one celebrating your departure, trust me.
I've never felt so negative towards someone and you surely surprises me by being the first. Take it easy on your words before karma finds you and fuck you upside down. Learn to be more appreciative.

Fresh Start?

I guess it's been a few years since I last posted anything with this blog account. Well, the first post I saw when I log in was me scolding someone. Ok can. Typical bitchy me. Hahah.

Anyway, thought of re-opening my blog because I need another platform that is more private compared to Twitter or Facebook(which I hardly use nowadays) to express some of the feelings I've been keeping in my heart all this while.

So I made it to pjc, I wanted to go there because it's nearer and that the teachers are more willing to help you compared to other jcs which I totally agree, now that I've been there for more than 6 months. I thought that going there would mean a fresh start for me, no more drama, find friends whom I can count of no matter what, a place where I can study hard. Naive of me to actually think that God would be so nice to me. I thought secondary school wasn't that amazing considering I had a pretty rough and childish start. I've got to say jc is so much worse than what I experienced in secondary school. I became a class manager which I least expected myself to be. I thought "Nah, me becoming a cm, impossible one la, I cannot even be a prefect, are you kidding me?", well, so it didn't happen. I know I was totally bitching about it to EngLoon and Sara or everyone I knew EVERY SINGLE TIME. Hahah. Still, I'm trying to think of it as a way to train me to be a more daring person and most importantly, a leader. I admit that I've actually slowly overcoming my fear of presenting and right now I still get the butterflies in my stomach feeling but it's slowly fading away. I guess being a cm has it's good point in a way?

Then again, there's alot of rubbish need to be done. Okay, not exactly rubbish but there's just lot of events or so and I'm always required. Sigh. Regarding my classmates, when you slowly know some of them, they are actually nice people and there are also people whom you thought genuinely treating you as a friend going behind your back criticizing. I know the incident of the birthday probably let the guys think that I'm an irresponsible and useless cm. Broke down at that point of time because I saw how blunt the guys were and me being useless and weak as usual. Actually, it's over and I shouldnt dwell on it further. Argh I seriously hate myself for being so sensitive all the time. When can I grow up and start being strong!

So now I'm pretty much be hated some in the class, maybe even more, who knows? I try to pretend it does not hurt me and I'm showing indifference to them but deep inside I swear it hurts. Who likes to be hated anyway? I tried to put it as much as effort I can for the class. I knew that it's way out of league and I'm willing to take up the challenge. Apparently, it's either misunderstood or just plainly ignored. What can I do? Sighhh. In many occasions, I nearly broke down in school or maybe I did because I felt empty. Yes, I won't say I have a lot/ very few friends but it's just that I do feel empty despite the people around coming around. How do I make it go away?

Guess I should just quit my job and concentrate on my school work which I would say I'm struggling in a way. It's a more competitive environment now and those stress I feel all the time is wearing me thin. I won't want my grades to suffer since the reason I came to JC is to do well and go for Uni.

Think I should end here. I don't have the stamina to type very long posts like before. I'll post some pictures next time round. Hahaha.
Till the next time.