The YouTube temptation,

The "YouTube Temptation"

It is about how youtubers can be so convincing in the video and dang, it makes you want to fly out of the house instantly to get the products they recommend. SERIOUSLY. I have been spending lots of money this 2 months because a) I always wanted to try the products they talk about it b) kinda allowed to buy make up alr? c) i got a card = no cash still got $$. You know what i mean? Everyday I go on youtube to check if there is new videos, esp now is the christmas/new year season, means ALL the goodies are cheap and awesome. It makes even wanna buy more cannnnnnn. T.T

Few of my favourite youtubers are missglamorazzi, macbarbie07 (wtf she is like same age as me but she is gorgeous!!!!), fleurdeforce, tanyaburr, zoella (!!!!!). Love them so much!!! Heheh

Anyway, I need some self-control if not my bank account is gonna hit $0 before I even start work. Then again, i only work until end of april, means i got may and june (korea) to spend my money again. Sigh pie no honey pie. Forever broke and my mom is right "you cannot stop spending money is it"....

So far i bought tons of make up (lips, powder, cc cream, blush, bronzer, mascara etc), nail polishes, skin care... damn tarte maracuja oil, bloody $72 ~.~ i still got it anyway because of the great reviews. I want hyrdrated and bright skin and no fine lines ok. Then i read that the estee lauder advanced night repair serum is bloody good and my mom talking about skII, walao, I NO $$ TO TRY EVERYTHING AS MUCH AS I WANT TO. #FIRSTWORLDPROMBLEMS

Prom 2013,

Prom was great as compared to my secondary school prom 2 years ago. I took quite a bit of pictures with the pretty gals and guys there and thats an accomplishment. I am always the lazy one to take photos and more often that now, i have the least number of pictures with me, which means there isnt a need to upload them anyway. 

(bad quality since its taken from instagram)

Though the night before prom wasnt oh so great for me but im glad it turn out great the next day. Thanks for the someone who supported me during most of my tough times. Couldnt have done it without her. :)

Hoping for the best,

So I went to my regular check up as usual today, as usual I had to wait for quite awhile before actually meeting the doctor. I thought it would be the same regular check up with the same news just like any other weeks but I was terribly wrong.

I was told that the donor cells kept dropping since day one after the transplant. From 93% and now 17%. Its somewhat a bad news because it has to remain high in order to produce enough cells for my body to function properly. I held back my tears so badly after hearing this. My mother was with me during the consultation and I didnt want to cry because I knew she would cry too. For that moment, I thought "hey, your time is going to be up soon, AGAIN." Though the doctor quickly added on, telling us that it could be my bone marrow recovering on its own thats why its repelling my moms cells. It may seem to be true since my blood counts are somewhat stable. What are the chances that a previously empty bone marrow could return to its original state? I mean, its rare to catch such a disease already and for it to recover on it own? Doesnt it seem to be all too good?

I tried telling someone but i dont want to bother them because i dont want more people to pity and befriend with me because im sick. I want genuine concern that comes truly from the heart and i dont want to become a burden to another person. Not everyone can understand my problems and be in myself shoes to really feel what i feel. That takes a really selfless person to do so and I do admit if it is me, I wont be able to do so.

Everything feels so surreal now, whats happening to me now seems to only happen in those "oh so typical" storylines i have read/watch too often. Yet, when it really happens on yourself, will you truly understand the pain the protagonist feel in the storyline. For now, I will just hope for the best and cherish those who make the effort to understand what i am going through.

Because A levels is over,

Wait for it.... I'm a free bitch! No no no, why am I calling myself bitch like hello, who does that, but we all know we act like a bitch at some point or another right. Don't lie, I know you do. *wink wink*

Anyway, since the major exam that I've been preparing for almost 2 years is over, I feel an awful loss of motivation in life. I mean most people feels a sense of relief, some what a liberation of the torturous jc life but i don't have it. I feel like i don't have something to work hard anymore. Ok you might say that, you can get go find a job what or think about uni etc. 1. Im still in a dilemma whether i should work or not because of my condition. 2. See my grades first, what if i have to retain......

As I have more free time, I reflect about my actions, the way i talk and etc, i can conclude that I'm just weird, people don't understand me (so they don't like me or neglect me at time) but i can't help it. As if I can force myself to think like what you want me to think, sorry no. But you know what, i try to be as "present" as i can be already, if its not enough... idk what else i can do. Although i know some people only take advantage of me when they need me, if not I'm probably invisible, at least i know I'm useful in a way. No I'm not complaining about whoever, just an observation. I always have the same problems since young so its my issue and not others. Dk why i so self conscious also but its in my blood. I may be wrong but well we make mistakes. Weird people maybe have weird blood thats why i have such condition lol. Wait, weird = unique so I'm unique in a way. Everyone is special in their own way so yay I'm special too.

Aiya, i think all posts sound like i complaining, feels so hard trying to be neutral sigh. I should quit blogging soon, coz my words don't make sense because i don't make sense anyway. Should shut up and say bye. :/

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Thanks for those who showed me they really care. Not only throughout the period I was sick but even simple daily gestures are enough to touch me deeply in the heart. They are the ones who I want to keep for my life. They are the ones who gave me hope. They are the ones who were there through my toughest time. It's always only at the most difficult time when you see who are there for you. Now I know. 

-

"It has scattered into bits and pieces. What happened to those promises about each others pillars of support? Ultimately it's just lies and more lies. We claim that it is someone else's fault but we never look at ourselves once, thinking are we even in the position to criticize. What has the world become and what have we become. "

So true yet it is something we can't fix it. I guess everything we care for will change, just like how the contexts change rapidly. 

I don't want changes yet they are inevitable. Adapting to changes is the only option I have yet its easier said than done. Why do I feel like give up? What kept me going on wasn't there anymore but I can't even be sure what kept me going on in the first place. 

Why? How? When? 

V

What have I become?

It has been a tough day.

(I'm writing based on my experience)

Seeing both of their faces, it totally reminded me how I was being rejected because my skills are not good enough for them. They always tell us hard work and attitude are important. Clearly, they are just lying to us and ultimately both are just bullshit since talent and skills outweigh them. 

It's the same thing for them I think. Yet, the amount of effort put in is never equivalent to the results we get. Not that those who got in dont deserve if but what if those who really deserve it got in because they are between than you? You know how it feels? The disappointment coming from those who told you that you had a chance, the disappointment in yourself for not being good enough etc etc. It hurts so badly but nobody understands. 

What has cca become nowadays? Isn't it suppose to be something you do after school hours, where you can enjoy participating in the activities rather than focus on winning competitions for the reputation? 

Maybe I'm contradicting myself but it is exactly how I feel? Somehow cca has lost it's purpose already. 

Another issue I think I really need to reflect on is my attitude. I thought being indifference would be better for me so that I can be less sensitive, less likely to be hurt from anything. Yet, I became someone who's easily angry, constantly whining and complaining about all sorts of things, even though it clearly was my fault? What have I become? 

I was honestly angry at him for forgetting our consultation tmr but as the anger subsided, I realize, why am I so angry? I don't usually get angry at such stuffs? Even if I'm angry, I couldn't be that angry? Why? As what my friends told me, maybe it's because of the stress bee since J2 started. I can't help but to agree, though I still feel that there are other factors contributing to my unusual self I supposed. 

One thing's for sure, I'm no longer the same person as 1.5 years ago. I'm never a worthy person in this 18 years. 

One day I might find my use in life but that's 'one day'. It may or may not come. 

We shall see.

V

How about some facts about me?

Here's a couple of facts that you may or may not know about me:

1) My name is Vivian Tan Jia Yi (陈嘉仪)

2) I used to hate my name.

3) I've always wished my name was called Jolene/Jolin when I was young because pretty girls have these names.

4) I used to imagine myself getting abducted by alien (always naked for no reason -.-).

5) I was kind of a bully when I was young.

6) I was a bubbly child.

7) I'm also a cry baby at the same time. A  couple of pictures clearly shows that I like to cry and take pictures at the same time. :/

8) I deleted all my Chinese songs when I was p3 because I thought cool kids don't listen to Chinese songs. 

9) I listen to a pretty wide genre of music, though I prefer alternative/rock/oldies. (Mainstream not my thing)

10) I'm a fan of Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Simple Plan

11) If someone sang one of their songs to me, I might like you. 

12) I have a huge nose.

13) I got a tortoise plushie which I had it for >5 years called guigui.

14) I have a huge crush on Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer and Bill Skarsgard.

15) I prefer older guys.

16) I also have a crush on Behati Prinsloo and Barbara Palvin.

17) I like my high cheekbones. (I think) 

18) I used to come up with imaginary sisters with names like ( Jolene Tan Wan Yi etc combos)

19) People say I look like pervert but honestly I think don't. 

20) I hope I can find the the love my life but I'm skeptical about it because this person may not not exist. 

21) I got a huge foot. Size 9 hello? 

22) I used to bite my nails ALOT.

23) I have a love-hate relationship with basketball (mostly hate)

24) I love to pretend to be a 格格 (Chinese princess) when I was young.

25) I love doing somersaults on the sofa.

DAMN, had a post before this but my phone decided to die so I wrote this post instead. Hopefully it's interesting. 

V